April 26, 2012

What to do in scary/lifethreatening situations

Alright guys, you’re all hopelessly undereducated in things that really matter.

No worries, auntie Hana’s here to help!

Below is a ittle-little index of things to do if..

  • You fall off a building
  • You have to jump off a moving car
  • You need to survive in the desert, arctic or whatever

And more!

Oh god, I sound like a saleswoman. Well, the article doesn’t cost anything to read!

And it’s actually really interesting. Straight from the experts(and wikihow)!

So, let’s get to it!

What to do if you’re falling off a building

First off, DON'T DIE. Now, what you want to do is if you’re falling from high enough, make a little arch with your back to slow your fall, tummy down. You also want to watch where you’re landing because.. let’s face it, would you rather land in a ditch of rabid tigers or a glade of fluffy-soft flowers? As far as landing goes, you either want the balls of your feet to feel the impact, or you want to do a sort of forward-roll as you land. DON'T LAND ON YOUR HEAD! That is all.

What to do if you are faced with a mountain lion

Don’t scream. Don’t run. If you’re wearing a jacket, open it out so that you look as big as possible. Stand your ground and stare at the lion, make sure you don’t show fear or else it’ll kill you. You would be smart to throw rocks in its direction, but not hitting it directly so you don’t tick  off. Just scare it away, mmkay? And if it DOES try to attack you, punch it in the snout. Don’t do that to sharks, though- punch them in the gills.

What to do if you’re stranded in the desert

Don’t panic! You have to stay calm so you keep your temperature up- cause the desert gets freaking COLD at night. If you have a vehicle, stay near it. It’ll be easy for search-and-rescue teams to find you with a giant Jeep to look for. Search and rescue is looking for you, right? You DID tell someone where you were going and when you should’ve been back, right? Good. Now, as far as food goes you can eat anything you have with you, but ration it. You don’t know how long you’ll be there. As far as water goes, you can get a cactus- don’t get pricked -and cut it open. The fruits are plentiful with water as are the insides. So you should chew on them, but not swallow them. You can get these things called heat cramps when you’re there, caused by too little salt. They feel like normal cramps- so if you get a cramp, find shade and eat something salty then get yourself some water. Rest until the cramps go away, then keep walking. Now, we gotta talk about the creepy-crawlies.

Scorpions won’t kill you, but stay away from them.

How to jump off a car and not die

You won’t die but it’ll still hurt like heck. There’s a simple three-step process to this: Check, jam, Jump. You have to check where you’re going to land, then wait until a soft spot in the road- grass, squishy dirt, if you’re lucky a matress- is coming up, but not right beside you. Then when it’s just about to be before the car, JAM the cars gears into park, then leap out of the car and make sure that when you hit the ground, you roll. Oh, and don’t jump behind the car or in front of another one.

How to jump off a bridge

You make sure that you’re going to land in water. Deep water, please. And what you’re going to do is while you’re falling you’re going to be like a pencil- a completely straight line. Protect your, um, front and clench your.. eh.. backside so that you don’t fill up like a water-balloon. You want to land feet-first and make sure that once you’re in the water, start flapping your arms like you’re trying to fly. Just so you go back to the surface. Again, make sure the water is deep! If you don’t have enough room, you’re going to.. well, be screwed. And it will hurt!

Yeah, I can’t think of anything else to write about. If ya’ll got some ideas, let me know!


Your friendly neighborhood Egyptian

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